10 weeks

lupins nz
My husbands memories of NZ


On Tuesday my very little boy is 10 weeks old.  Wahoo, longer sleeps and a super exciting trip home to meet his grandparents in New Zealand for the first time!  Nanny and Pop’s Skype sessions would become real cuddling time! But all this excitement is on hold, he is still not growing well and the paediatrician has advised us not to go as she is still not happy with his growth.

The doctor said ‘but don’t cancel anything yet, I’ll reassess in 10 days’.

OMG the waiting, not to mention the calling to see how to get 3,000 euro (which I still haven’t paid off) in flights back if we have to cancel.  Argh the stress! but we are keeping busy going back and forth to the hospital.

Next week we have the regular physio session, speech therapist (bottle feeding doctor), the dietician and an ultra sound on his head. Apparently whilst the skull is still soft you can ultra sound it to see if there is anything causing the slow growth.  We need to see a throat, nose and ear doctor to find the cause of his laboured breathing.  We are still feeding him via a feeding tube too.  We are also still waiting on allergies and genetic testing results as well.  Our lives are all about the hospital visits now!

My husband is struggling with this setback.  He is always positive and was expecting good news when we went back for a follow up appointment with the paediatrician.  He was super upset when we heard he wasn’t on track.  He even cried to a colleague we bumped into in the hospital waiting room!  He is also bummed about the possibly of not going to NZ as he tells everyone it is the most beautiful country in the world.

How I remember it


Personally,  I am in two minds about going home.  On the one hand, I’m excited to see my parents and will actually look forward to English conversations!  On the other hand,  I don’t want to put Thomas at risk flying 30 hours home.  I haven’t visited my home town in 7 years and even that was passing through.  Since that time it has been destroyed by an earthquake and it continues to shake almost weekly.  Lasts night’s quake was 4.4 on the Richter scale.  Dad said it wasn’t so bad as he didn’t hear it and nothing fell off the shelves.

The centre of town after the big quake in 2011


My kiwi roots have blessed me with a non-emotional personality.  It’s fair to say my husband and I are complete opposites.  Maybe we balance each other out? It is especially distressing to note that I have taken to crying.  Specifically when a nurse or doctor offers help or delivers tough news.  I am becoming overly sensitive and anxious.  This is so not cool and definitely not like me.  I drew on my cyberchondriac side and googled post natal depression.  Holy shit, I’m ticking all the symptoms, -anxious, crying, no family here, etc..  all except one…  ‘Do I imagine dark thoughts about harming my baby ?’    -heck no!  Phew, Ok I’m going to classify these feelings as overly hormonal brought on by stress and worry over my sons health.

So I’m waiting again.  All I can do is continue with the doctors advice.  I’m doubling Thomas’ formula so his milk resembles PVC glue and he stays home to conserve energy.  My only outings with Thomas seem to be to the hospital every other day!









9 thoughts on “10 weeks

  1. Oh what uncertainty for you! I really hope Thomas starts gaining more weight soon so that you get to fly home and see your families. Do you have insurance to cover flights if you can’t go, or maybe they would let you re-book to a later date if you had medical note to explain baby couldn’t fly yet.. Could be worth a try if it comes to it, but hopefully not.

    Sorry you have a lot of the signs of post natal depression. I hope day by day things start to improve.


    1. Thanks! I’m hopeful things will get better too as it would be really nice to go home.
      I have been in touch with a friend who had post natal depression and she had really good advice, so I’m hoping I can avoid it!


  2. Keeping my fingers crossed that Thomas will keep on gaining weight, and that you will be able to fly home and see the grandparents!

    What comes to the PND, I would think that your symptoms are really due to your situation, and will improve as Thomas’ growth improves and your life will become more normal. I think it is good though that you are aware of the PND, some people don’t even realise what’s going on, and won’t then seek help. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. If it turns out you do have PND (or PPD as we call it in the States), the most important thing is to do as you’ve done and talk about it! You’ve got a community of people ready to listen through reading your blog.

    In the meantime, I hope Thomas gains more weight soon. We struggled with the same thing early on in Lily’s life, and there’s nothing to trigger new parent anxiety like constant weight checks and appointments with the doctor. Now, at 10 months, she (usually) sleeps through the night and is right where she’s supposed to be with weight (though she’s short in terms of length, but I’ll take it!)


    1. I don’t think I have PND (PPD) I will keep being proactive and try to avoid it! but you are right blogging and talking definitely helps. It turns out a few new mothers I know had it!
      It must be amazing to have a full nights sleep and to know Lily is now in the normal range on the growth charts. I’m now hopeful things will get better 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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