It’s hard to articulate what I’m feeling right now as this is new territory for me. Being 36.5 weeks pregnant should be the most awesome feeling for me but crazy hormonal changes has messed with my ability to focus. I have struggled so long to get pregnant and now I’m nearly there, I’m not loving it?!
One problem is the ‘rest’ my doctor has advised. My baby is monitored twice a week now, he still grows but is on the bottom end of the bell curve. Therefore rest was the only thing I could do to make him grow. This has seriously limited all social interaction and forced myself to reflect inwardly at the fears I face being a mother. I have lost the motivation to start projects and I am so bored I am even ironing my husband’s underwear!
Last week I visited my friend and her ten month old and discussed life and her growing resentment of her husband for not helping her more with the baby. From the outside I see a perfect little family and the baby is an angel, the baby hardly cries and is always smiling and happy. However, I also don’t see the struggle of what it must be like doing most things on her own all day, (she works 8 hours a week) and her family live back in England. She is seriously lacking support and is finding each day hard. I’m feeling resentment to my husband to not having to endure carrying the baby. (?!) Poor guy, what will it be like when I’m home all day alone with the baby!
On Monday we visited our aunt for dinner who happened to be baby-sitting her ten month old grandchild. As we came in the door she handed us the little one and said ‘Here, OMG I’m so exhausted running after her all day!’ This baby was crawling and babbling non-stop and was all over the house getting into everything. Both my husband and I were given a quick lesson in how our life will change when the baby arrives. The Dad of the baby comes in after a 12 hour day and tries to eat dinner then goes home with the baby. He needs to try to put her to sleep before waking at 4.30am for another 12 hour day. However, he is lucky as his parents are his day-care and they don’t charge anything!
As I have a large IVF loan hanging around my neck, I will probably need to go back to work sooner rather than later to pay it off. I had planned 8 months off, but I fear this will become 5 months! We don’t have the luxury of grandparents that will babysit. My mother who lives on the other side of the world is choosing to Nanny another person’s baby, not mine. Am I little dark about this? Yes! But I won’t begrudge her missing out on 4 months’ salary to fly to the other side of the world to BF Holland, where no one speaks English to look after my baby (for free)!
Right now I wake up each day and try not to dwell on the tedium of watching entire TV series in one sitting, endlessly baking, cleaning and talking to the cat. I asked all my mummy-friends advice on how to deal with the last few weeks of pregnancy and had the standard answer of; watch TV, read, sleep -as you won’t get to once the baby is born. (Lord please give me a dollar for every time I hear that!)
I will focus on resting to keep the little one growing, I need to focus on the big picture; the joy of finally meeting our little baby! It is only temporary, then I can then go back to some other things I love.. coffee, drinking and exercise!