I’m still pregnant?!

This is my 5th pregnancy.  I still have not had a baby make it past 14 weeks so whenever I am going through this first trimester it is torture.  I can not relax and every little change in my body I expect the worst.

Last week I had bleeding and I still don’t feel any pregnancy symptoms.   Each time I do a little exercise I start spotting.  I am taking progesterone pills because I had a frozen embryo transfer and I’m not producing my own progesterone yet.  So each time I spot I have grey sludge on the panty liner.  (TMI – sorry). gross.  In my previous pregnancies I only ever bleed after I had sex, although this is very normal.

The two types of bleeding I have experienced are different.  The sex type is cramping followed by a heavy bleed that stops after a day.  The first time I was horrified.  I was on a road trip in Spain and I had stopped in a small town for a drink as I was feeling cramping.  Then I felt a large gush.. I rushed past a baffled cafe owner to what looked like a toilet.  We didn’t need language to know I needed a toilet -now!  so there was blood all over the floor and walls of the toilet.  Stunned I couldn’t quite believed what had happened, I cleaned the toilet and walked out with a makeshift pad the size of a phone book.  The next day I saw a heartbeat on a surprisingly awesome 3D scan machine in a tiny town in Spain.  My worries were alleviated but I miscarried two weeks later.  Whoever said the chance of miscarriage is 2% after you see the heartbeat is clearly wrong.  (could I really be in that 2% ?)

The other type of bleeding is the spotting type.  Last week after cycling to work I had a couple of days of spotting.  More Grey sludge.  Last Sunday was such a nice sunny day (we get about 5 of these a year in Holland) so I went for a little bike ride with my husband.  In place of nausea this pregnancy I feel pain.  Like I have just had a D&C.  I could feel it a little more on this bike ride.  We are riding stupidly slow and did not deserve to be on a racing bike.  It was about 60k in the end.  I had by no means pushed myself and by the time I got home the grey sludge was pink.

So on Friday for our first scan we were not optimistic.  Unbelievably we saw a heartbeat.  It looked pretty slow though…  The photos were printed and I’ll add those to the other 4 that are a grim reminder of the past 2.5 years.

So now I have something else to worry about until the next scan in 10 days.  I have been thinking and I can not stop the extreme paranoia that I feel.  I have asked my lucky friends who have managed to have a baby after a miscarriage.  They said the paranoia stays throughout the whole pregnancy, you are constantly shit scared you are going to miscarry or have a stillborn child and the only thing to do is to ‘block it out’ until you have a baby safe in your arms.  These are not the comforting words of advice I was expecting.

My new hobby is now sleeping.  It’s the only way I can shake it off, block it out and carry on.

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6 thoughts on “I’m still pregnant?!

      1. For whatever it’s worth, I think you are allowed to be gloomy and worried. Enjoy the happy moments when they come, but don’t put pressure on yourself to be happier right now. 🙂

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