This is my 5th pregnancy. I still have not had a baby make it past 14 weeks so whenever I am going through this first trimester it is torture. I can not relax and every little change in my body I expect the worst.
Last week I had bleeding and I still don’t feel any pregnancy symptoms. Each time I do a little exercise I start spotting. I am taking progesterone pills because I had a frozen embryo transfer and I’m not producing my own progesterone yet. So each time I spot I have grey sludge on the panty liner. (TMI – sorry). gross. In my previous pregnancies I only ever bleed after I had sex, although this is very normal.
The two types of bleeding I have experienced are different. The sex type is cramping followed by a heavy bleed that stops after a day. The first time I was horrified. I was on a road trip in Spain and I had stopped in a small town for a drink as I was feeling cramping. Then I felt a large gush.. I rushed past a baffled cafe owner to what looked like a toilet. We didn’t need language to know I needed a toilet -now! so there was blood all over the floor and walls of the toilet. Stunned I couldn’t quite believed what had happened, I cleaned the toilet and walked out with a makeshift pad the size of a phone book. The next day I saw a heartbeat on a surprisingly awesome 3D scan machine in a tiny town in Spain. My worries were alleviated but I miscarried two weeks later. Whoever said the chance of miscarriage is 2% after you see the heartbeat is clearly wrong. (could I really be in that 2% ?)
The other type of bleeding is the spotting type. Last week after cycling to work I had a couple of days of spotting. More Grey sludge. Last Sunday was such a nice sunny day (we get about 5 of these a year in Holland) so I went for a little bike ride with my husband. In place of nausea this pregnancy I feel pain. Like I have just had a D&C. I could feel it a little more on this bike ride. We are riding stupidly slow and did not deserve to be on a racing bike. It was about 60k in the end. I had by no means pushed myself and by the time I got home the grey sludge was pink.
So on Friday for our first scan we were not optimistic. Unbelievably we saw a heartbeat. It looked pretty slow though… The photos were printed and I’ll add those to the other 4 that are a grim reminder of the past 2.5 years.
So now I have something else to worry about until the next scan in 10 days. I have been thinking and I can not stop the extreme paranoia that I feel. I have asked my lucky friends who have managed to have a baby after a miscarriage. They said the paranoia stays throughout the whole pregnancy, you are constantly shit scared you are going to miscarry or have a stillborn child and the only thing to do is to ‘block it out’ until you have a baby safe in your arms. These are not the comforting words of advice I was expecting.
My new hobby is now sleeping. It’s the only way I can shake it off, block it out and carry on.